


Keeping Your Shit Together (Across the Universe)

by roguefaerie (samidha)



Series: Season 13 Reactions and Sundry [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s13e10 Wayward Sisters, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, POV Second Person, Season/Series 13, Season/Series 13 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 03:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13426233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: Sam isconcernedin his way about what lizards taste like. Dean is feeling blah, eating a lizard, and thinking about things he should not be thinking about.





	Keeping Your Shit Together (Across the Universe)

**Author's Note:**

> Gender dysphoria and stress are part of this balanced author's diet, Dean is periodically obliging. Also OMG the lizard thing. I needed to laugh so much. The lizard thing needed its own damn fic. So here you go. Spoiler: In no universe is my Dean cis anymore. Ever. You're welcome. I write some but not all of my gender stuff in second person, see also nonbinary Dean 'verse. 
> 
> I don't know how binary this Dean is, you decide.
> 
> Also yeah it could have been more about the A plot but I'm obsessed with the lizard thing and trying to kill dysphoria. Sorry. (Also sorry for this continued re-obsession with A Very Supernatural Christmas, but it's a thing with me.)

Keeping your shit together means that you're deadpan when you'd rather be screaming.

_Everywhere we go, they get sick of your face._

_Everywhere we go, I'm sick of mine too._

_So is he._

_So are they._

_And they are about to eat us._

_For breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Second breakfast. Shut up, Sam. A lizard tastes like a lizard._

None of it comes out in your tone, none of it ever does, unless you're alone.

You let him be the earnest one. It's what he does. It's what he thinks he does. He thinks he knows. He thinks he understands. What the machismo means, and the anger, but really, even when you're in the wrong universe, you don't have energy for that, not now. And, not for the first or the last time, you think, maybe not ever again.

There's a doorway and it's open or it's opening or it's closing or it's closed and you'll let Sam worry about it for a second. You are eating lizard and Sam is not eating lizard. Maybe he's waiting for a salad. And this is fine. This is fine and is not Sam's fault, he's Sam, and he'll always be Sam and you'll always be Dean, you'll always be you.

Right?

Something is crackling along your nerves, maybe tension or maybe exhaustion or maybe--just--so--much--gender--stuff.

Who knew eating lizard would give you so many fucking feelings about bodies and dead things. Aren't you past feelings about dead things?

Where is this even going?

Oh, yeah. Sam won't eat a lizard.

And also there's this thing, this thing you can't-won't-never-will be able to explain, this thing about you and Claire, and not like that, not like you pretend to be, but the other thing, and about every time Jody explains to you about how things happen at her house, what she's trying to build there, and it's not exactly that you'd fit there, but where do you fit?

Where do you put a gender? What do you do with gender?

Well, it doesn't matter, it's you and Sam. And lizard. And Claire. And Claire, you realize, is the hunter she's wanted to be, and she reminds you of someone, someone young and gone, she always will, she always, always, always will, and the feeling that you weren't sure  
if you wanted to be near her  
or wanted to be her.


End file.
